So It Seems...

Ever had one of those days where, no matter how many smiles you project, no matter how many times you say it'll work out, no matter how you rationalize, you know, deep down, it's more than just a "slump"?

Lately, I seem to have the ability to doubt every single aspect of my life: who I am, what I stand for, if I can properly clean my home...I mean everything. I feel trapped. Trapped in a life I don't know how to change; trapped in a life with minimal laughing and fun; trapped in a life that is not fulfilling. I seem to find roadblocks at every turn, and then doubt my intelligence when I can maneuver around them. Don't get me wrong...I'm not sitting around throwing myself a little pity party and I don't mean to sound like the world's biggest complainer - truth is - you would be hard pressed to even hear me complain.

And THAT is what my problem is...when did I lose my fight? When did I lose my spine? What the hell is wrong with me? Am I really accepting this? When did I become ok with boring and unfulfilling and give up my drive? What if I can't change? The thing I fear most in this world is the continual process of becoming emotionless...every day I feel a little less. Every day I become a little more resigned. Every day I fall deeper into the void. How do others bring themselves out of it?

So it seems...for the moment...I am still waiting. I am waiting for the moment that inspiration strikes. To feel something that makes me realize I must act now. To feel...

Why, don't you know? They're twitterpated!

Okay, I admit, I am guilty of it. I find myself thinking of this line from Bambi (and find it sad that no one seems to know what I am talking about). It may not look like spring is in the air, but it's coming. It has been raining lately and I'm 100% fine with that...I love rain: the smell of it, the feel of it, the sound of it...whatever, I'll take it. I am so excited that I am having cake to celebrate (it's the little victories). What is there not to love? It's the perfect time of year. Outside cafes, after dinner walks, porch sitting...it just spells relaxation! I am a little more relaxed just thinking about it.

I have been trying really hard to find something to do with my time. I am caught in this constant state of flux where I feel like I have completely over-extended myself with commitments and having so much time on my hands that I am bored out of my mind and constantly napping. Perhaps I just need to learn to manage my time better! Time management is not my strong suit. With spring here (at least by calendar terms) it is an excuse to be even less on task. Spring is the time to enjoy yourself and take time to get things done. There would probably be a lot more time if I were more on top of things. As I get older, shouldn't I become more organized? Sometimes I wonder how I can function at all. I forget more things than I should, remember stupid shit that I don't need, and worry about things that are useless. It's like God has some cruel trick taking place and it's all entertainment for Him. Well, I can see the humor in some of it and could probably see the humor in the rest of it, if only He would stop making me so tired all of the time.

Another great thing about spring -- motivation to get up and moving and out of the house for a change! C'mon spring...

This is no Breakfast Club

John Hughes lied! Saturday detentions have none of the excitement or sass he showed me. There was no dancing, there was no discussion of problems, there was no illegal smoking...hell, there wasn't even a dandruff snowstorm. What there was, actually, was a lot of nothing. I sat there, trying really hard to grade papers and making the most of my time, but I got sucked into looking through a photostream of a friend (who is incredibly talented). I felt sadder and more pathetic with every picture. I have always sort of flip-flopped on the idea of children...sometimes I want an entire baseball team worth, and other times I think I would make the most horrible mother, why in the world would I want children?

Now, I try to not think about my life in comparison to others's lives. I realize that we all have different things we want out of it. But as I was sitting there looking not only at her incredible talent, but what is most certainly a very happy family, I started to feel more and more pathetic. Whatever idea I had about my life, this is certainly not it. I feel like a girl who should be doing something more, something important, something worthwhile. I was sitting there trying to think of what I am doing with my life. Time keeps going by and yet, things aren't changing. I'm not whining. I chose to be in the place I am, but I didn't expect to be so completely unfulfilled. Even my problems seem trivial.

So, I'm going to try and stop complaining and see if I can make myself more fulfilled (that works sometimes right...don't people say mind over matter or something?). I can see myself slowly turning into my parents ( and that thought alone makes my stomach knot up). I suppose I need to first find out what the picture is and then I can go about making it happen. This picture can't stay fuzzy forever, can it? Blurry pictures can still be creative and interesting, can't they?

From now on out, I'm staying away from those deceptive Saturday morning detentions. Unless it provides some John Hughes-ian shenanigans, I'd rather not spend my morning thinking about the emptiness of my life and the color and happiness in others's. I'll take my coffee and NPR, thank you!

Too much for a Saturday night

There is a very small part of me that wants to believe in astrology (it is hidden away with that very small part that wants to believe in love at first sight, and yet I'm still skeptical...). After a discussion with a friend, I decided to look up my over/underdeveloped personal characteristics. So, this is what cafeastrology told me:
"A tendency to rely on others who may let us down, to come across as impersonal or distant in our dealings with others, to be fearful of being the center of attention and standing out as an individual, to fear taking risks, and to fall back on peers and community at the expense of our own individuality are some of the issues this position suggests. With this position, we need to avoid falling into the easy trap of worrying about what others think about us. Instead, we need to strike out in our own individual and creative path without fear. We need to make a conscious effort to deal with others in a more personal, involved, and loving manner, rather than falling back on reason and intellect which detaches us from our feelings. We can easily alienate others when we over-emphasize equality to the point that we won't acknowledge individuals' uniqueness. We can too easily lose touch with our own heart by rationalizing our feelings, and become overly involved with other people's problems at the expense of our inner needs for attention. Learning to take personal risks, which requires a certain amount of self-confidence, will help us to achieve inner balance and happiness."

After my first "harumph" and eyeroll (and inner reassurance that this is much too general to describe me), I started thinking...all this time, I thought I was this laid-back, go-with-the-flow person, turns out, I'm a detached people pleaser with no real thoughts or individuality. Well, that sucks. How can you be afraid of attention and yet have inner needs for attention? This is where astrology sucks you in...general enough so that you can infer and project. Well, thank you, cafeastrology for letting me know that I need to throw reason and intellect out the door. So, I'm going to go have a glass of wine (or 4) and get in touch with my feelings. Let's just hope those personal risks I'm going to start taking don't involve drunk dialing. Watch out friends...you may get an unexpected (if not slightly impersonal) text :)

For the birds

In an attempt to prevent myself from crying every time I read a paper from a student, I have to laugh. If it is possible to question my choice of profession more with every paper, this group has succeeded in instilling every doubt I am capable of conjuring. Just when I think it can't get any worse, I simply pick up the next paper. Now, I am the first to admit that I can be a lazy waste, but these kids put me to shame. I may be in my pajamas, reading trash on my couch, but I take pride in the fact that I can at least put a sentence together. Something that doesn't seem to bother my students at all. I suppose they can't be bothered with intellect when there are corn hearts and toilets containing scantily clad blow-up dolls to place around town. What I wouldn't give for that kind of creativity in their homework! I still get excited to go to work, but I have accepted that as long as I live in the middle of nowhere, certain things will always be beyond reach. It's hard to mold minds when they are so small! This shit is for the birds...