This is no Breakfast Club

John Hughes lied! Saturday detentions have none of the excitement or sass he showed me. There was no dancing, there was no discussion of problems, there was no illegal smoking...hell, there wasn't even a dandruff snowstorm. What there was, actually, was a lot of nothing. I sat there, trying really hard to grade papers and making the most of my time, but I got sucked into looking through a photostream of a friend (who is incredibly talented). I felt sadder and more pathetic with every picture. I have always sort of flip-flopped on the idea of children...sometimes I want an entire baseball team worth, and other times I think I would make the most horrible mother, why in the world would I want children?

Now, I try to not think about my life in comparison to others's lives. I realize that we all have different things we want out of it. But as I was sitting there looking not only at her incredible talent, but what is most certainly a very happy family, I started to feel more and more pathetic. Whatever idea I had about my life, this is certainly not it. I feel like a girl who should be doing something more, something important, something worthwhile. I was sitting there trying to think of what I am doing with my life. Time keeps going by and yet, things aren't changing. I'm not whining. I chose to be in the place I am, but I didn't expect to be so completely unfulfilled. Even my problems seem trivial.

So, I'm going to try and stop complaining and see if I can make myself more fulfilled (that works sometimes right...don't people say mind over matter or something?). I can see myself slowly turning into my parents ( and that thought alone makes my stomach knot up). I suppose I need to first find out what the picture is and then I can go about making it happen. This picture can't stay fuzzy forever, can it? Blurry pictures can still be creative and interesting, can't they?

From now on out, I'm staying away from those deceptive Saturday morning detentions. Unless it provides some John Hughes-ian shenanigans, I'd rather not spend my morning thinking about the emptiness of my life and the color and happiness in others's. I'll take my coffee and NPR, thank you!